1 You Mean She Still Had to Honor that Deal?

At first, I was going to make a Beetlejuice that actually took the show to the actual amount of how old it is, but I know there is probably going to be a sequel (fingers crossed.) If so, it might show up with a similar concept, and I don’t like going down the same rabbit hole, even if mine takes many different turns, I don’t like sharing rabbit holes.:)

So I went in a different direction with this one. Hope you like it.

“Hey. This might be a good look for me.” Betelgeuse looked back at his ticket as his head shrunk. Well, as long as he didn’t have- “Hey!” The guy that shrunk his head just took his number back. “I stole that fair and square.” Damn.

He sighed. “Well, Plan B.” He would be stuck there for a little while, Juno wouldn’t get off his ass for him until he caused some trouble. Getting eatin’ by sandworms was one of the worst ways to go. Again.

He fixed his head dimensions again. He’d check in a mirror later if a shrunken head was a good look for him. Those fucking Maitlands! I can’t believe those new assholes managed to best me. Me! Well, he was distracted. He was trying to secure Lydia Deetz, and the stronger he had her, the more he could get away with.

But? Getting eaten by a sandworm and waiting in the office was just an annoyance. A deal was a deal, and she made it. To turn back on it, the Maitlands would have to be exorcised. So, he still won. He just wouldn’t win as grandly now.

He had tried to marry her in the living world, so he’d have instant access to it. Now, he would be forced to marry in the Neitherworld. Probably with another restriction added.

He didn’t give a shit, he’d deal with it, and he’d still get what he wanted. He had a solid case, and Juno wouldn’t be able to stop it. He went around and started causing some havoc in the waiting room, so he’d get pulled aside, get talked to, and then pulled to the front.

They hated dealing with troublemakers very long. “Hey! Aren’t you looking just disgustingly beautiful,” he flirted with the secretary next to the security agent. “Listen, I gotta get married soon, so you wanna go do somethin’?”

She just gave him a disgusted look. “Juno agreed to see you early, to get you out of here. Stop causing trouble.” She slammed her office window closed.

“Damn. Your loss, Toots,” he said to her as he was taken back. He skipped right through, not wanting to wait too long. Time was a funny thing, and a small dawdle might set him back fifty years.

“You!”

Yep, her grating voice. “Juno, hey, how’s it been?”

“Just go straight through, and don’t bother the Deetzes or the Maitlands again!” She gave him his confirming papers so he didn’t have to play haunt for 125 years again. Made sense, she didn’t want to deal with him anymore than she had to.

That wasn’t gonna work though. “Oh, I gotta settle a deal with that Deetz’ daughter.” He snorted softly. “If I saved the Maitlands from being exorcised, she agreed to marry me.” Oh yeah, Juno didn’t want to believe it. “It’s true, she said it. You have to go test the claim. During exorcism, your focus was just on the Maitlands, and I was out of the picture.”

Juno rubbed her head. “I hate you sometimes. Involving yourself in a deal with the living? She’s too young.”

“I had her parents there, giving their blessing,” Betelgeuse reasoned.

“Tied up to attend doesn’t count in the living world!”

Oh, that sucked. Well, it didn’t work anyway. “So? Deal still counts, no matter the age. She’ll get older, then I get her. She was of sound mind. If not, then hey, there couldn’t have been an exorcism. Fair is fair, you know the rules. Hey!” He watched as she took the papers she just gave him away. “Don’t be like that, Boss.”

“You aren’t messing with that family anymore,” she assured him. “125 years of haunting regranted.”

Oh, she was trying to hold him back now. Shit! This was bound to happen. Unfortunately for her, he had been her assistant. He’d use every nook and cranny he had to get back. “Objection, living don’t live that long. I’ve died more than once, so I have the right to a written exam too if requested within the first meeting with my case worker.”

“Fine, a compromise. Half the haunting age you Hooligan.”

“62 years? No way, she might be dead, and then it don’t count.” Juno had to play fair. “By the time I finish the written, I get her.”

“Your place has been discontinued since you died, again. You need to find a new place, and you will have to show written proof that you can justifiably keep the living, living. There will also be new restrictions added for the benefit of the living having to survive in the land of the dead.”

Betelgeuse stomped his feet repeatedly before yelling, “Fine!” They were going to start him over as far back as they could manage. It didn’t matter, he knew all the tricks to get through everything. “I’ll play your fucking game, but I will still win it.”

————————————

Day-o!

Da-ay-o. Daylight come and we want go home . . .

Lydia listened to the sounds of The Maitlands music. Life felt better now. Even though she hung out with ghosts, they were really more like nice people. They cared for her, and honestly, showed her more love than her own parents. They helped her study for her work, and they hung out with her a lot. She would never spill to her father that they treated her more like a daughter than him and Delia ever did.

Life felt good, but it didn’t last long. She lifted her head from her Edgar Allen Poe book she was enjoying when she smelled smoke.

“Juno?” Barbara actually went toward the person who was in the room who had a cigarette, and some kind of cut where smoke was coming from.

“We didn’t send for you,” Adam said to the strange woman. “What are you doing here?”

Lydia watched as this Juno person didn’t answer them, just came up straight to her as she rocked back and forth. She stopped rocking. “Yes?”

“How can you be so stupid!” that woman yelled at her. “Living or dead, you could not have been stupider!”

“Hey, hey,” Barbara said coming over beside Lydia. “There’s no reason to get like that with her.”

“There’s every reason to get like that with her.” The woman scolded Barbara. She looked back at Lydia. “Do you have any idea how stupid you were?”

“What are you talking about?” Barbara said, trying to get her anger off Lydia.

“My old assistant, he just got through the line,” Juno said to her. “You told me that you were being exorcised before, and that you were going to live peacefully with the humans, and they would follow their handbook, and you would follow yours.”

“Yes?” Barbara seemed unsure of the problem. “We are.”

“You also said that Betelgeuse stopped the exorcism against you, and tried to marry Lydia Deetz.”

“Yes,” Adam answered her this time. “He was very brash, but we sent him away.”

“What you neglected to tell me, was that he made an oral agreement with Lydia Deetz for marriage, in exchange for saving you!” She took another puff of her cigarette.

“What’s that have to do with anything?” Lydia asked her.

“Everything.” Juno came up to Lydia closer. “You made a verbal agreement to marry Betelgeuse, if he stopped the exorcism and saved the Maitlands. Did he do that? Yes or no?”

What? “Yes, but-”

“Then you went against his rights. Do you know how infuriating it is, to have him in my office, to tell me this? How old are you? Do you know what a promise is?”

“Yeah, but-”

“You have to keep that promise!”

What? “Marriage? Look, I was too young to even get permission for marriage. I have to be 18 without permission, and 16 with permission. I was only 15.”

“And no one gives permission,” Barbara said to Juno, “and neither does any of her family. He tried to wrap them up against their will to be witnesses. He even tried to kill them once.”

“Tough tootsies,” Juno said to them all. “The Neitherworld has its own regulations. As much as I hate this, his rights were violated. You made an agreement, he completed his end, and you didn’t complete yours. So.”

“Lydia is alive,” Barbara pointed out. “He was just trying to trick her so he could get out. She’s also way too young.”

“What did I just say about regulations?” Juno scolded Barbara. “I know what he was doing. He didn’t just fall in love on the spot. He’s a dirty, conniving, foul-mouthed spirit, but we must also follow rules. Living or not.”

Lydia moved from the rocker. “Look, I was 15, and I was desperate to save them. He knew that, that’s why he picked something like that. There must be an exception.”

“The stunt that you and he pulled, do you think I just barely spoke to him and immediately came here? I’ve been getting all of the research I could find, and I am going to share with you your best way to let everyone survive this mess you made.” She took another drag off the cigarette. “When you turn 18, you agree to marry him.”

What? “Are you serious?”

“Yes. Otherwise, since you are living, I cannot bother you, but I will bother them.” She gestured to Barbara and Adam. “They are your ghostly guardians. They are responsible for you. They will have to fulfill the promise for you.”

Fulfill the promise? “Adam and Barbara are married.”

“Yes, they were. In life.”

“If they are married, you can’t just unmarry them.”

“Yes, we can,” she said. “Death ‘til you part. One of them will stay with him, and complete your deal. With his taste, most likely the woman.”

“You can’t just do that!” Barbara yelled at her.

“It would be better, you’re dead,” she said to Barbara. “Otherwise, both of you have to be exorcised to fix the deal. But?” She looked right back toward Lydia. “The dead have to respect the regulations of the living as well. If he marries you, it’s not until you are of age, and he can’t actually touch you until you say so.”

Ew. “That’s revolting to think about.”

“That’s the deal you made to save these two bumbling idiots,” she said to her. “If he hadn’t interfered, you don’t want to know what would have happened.” She glanced toward them. “I believe they know what would have happened though. It wouldn’t have been pleasant.”

“This is terrible.” Poor Barbara was hyperventilating. “She shouldn’t have to do this. She just wanted to save us.”

“Which is why I’m trying to do this the nicest way I can,” Juno assured her. “There were loads of different ways we could go, and I assure you someone who worked as my assistant? Knows all the different ways. Except. Very. Few.”

“He’s a pervert, there’s no way he’s not going to hurt her,” Barbara tried to make Juno believe.

“He has to follow the rules. He has to be nice to his wife. If he doesn’t, he loses her, instantly.”

“He could hide anywhere, in either world,” Adam tried to convince her.

“Regulations again. He can marry her, but he can’t consummate the marriage until she agrees. Without consummation, he can’t go free. That at least gives us some time to figure out how to keep him bottled up. Lydia’s not going to jump for him.” She looked toward her with a raised eyebrow. “Are you?”

“No, of course not!” Lydia turned around the room a couple of times. “Okay, so I marry him when I’m 18, and I stay in my world, and he stays in his world. Right?” Then it was something that wouldn’t even affect her.

Yeah. Juno’s face clearly said no as she took another drag of her cigarette. “The world that you are married in, will be your default world too. There’s a reason he didn’t move you away with your parents to the Neitherworld where the process would have been much simpler to marry. Even he recognized how young you were and knew the regulations.”

“He tied up my parents, that wasn’t permission.”

“No, but, he didn’t perfectly know the rules.” Juno said. “This time, that doesn’t matter. You are fulfilling your obligation to get married at 18. Should be enough time for him to get through all the quirks of being dead again, and being ready for a wife.”

“If he married me here, he’d stay here.” Then? “I have to live in the world of the dead with him?”

“Well? But? Adam and I don’t even do that. We can’t leave the house for 125 years. Or maybe 124 by now?” Barbara reckoned.

“Special circumstances,” Juno said. “She’ll go straight to living with him.”

“In a model?” Lydia asked.

“No. He could drag you over into the model. He has very little he can do in this world before he is called into it. It might be a nice way to visit your parents.” Like that last phrase would actually make her feel better.

“I don’t know what to say to all this.” This was wrong. This was disgusting. “Mrs. Betelgeuse?”

“Tsh, tsh, tsh!” Juno tried to shoosh her. “Don’t say his name.”

“That isn’t his name, it’s going to be my name!” Lydia corrected her.

“Yes, I know, but don’t get stingy right now about it! Say it twice more and he’ll come right over. He won’t be nice and gentle either, he’s not happy about being eaten by a sandworm. They are his worst nightmare. He had to wait a little while before I found out he was in that waiting room too. Not real long, mind you, but enough it also made him cranky.” She took another drag on her cigarette. “Give him whatever number you want to in that place, he’ll juice until he gets noticed to get pushed up.”

It was terrible. “I’m keeping my last name,” Lydia warned her.

“Oh, you can hyphenate it, I don’t care, but you are not getting rid of it. When you go somewhere, it’s not nice to hide your status. Others will complain.”

Gaw! “So, it’s either Barbara becomes his, you get them exorcised, or I marry him?” She looked toward them. “Does their marriage really mean nothing?”

“They need to get remarried in the afterlife. There was a section in the book.” She shrugged. “After the 125 years is the best time in most cases.”

Eeh. What was it that Betelgeuse said when he was removing the finger from the ring he wanted to give her? I swore if I did it, I’d only do it once. Now that phrase had more meaning. “Was he married before? He had a finger, in the ring he wanted.”

“No.” Juno was very certain of that. “He probably planned on pawning it off for money. He gets extra if a finger is included as a stand.”

“Are you positive about that?” Adam asked. “Maybe he was married, and this is illegal.”

“No, he’s under strict supervision. His home. His work. He doesn’t make a move, unless we see it.” She took another drag off her cigarette. “How do you think I knew he was in the model before you did? How do you think I knew you were hanging out the window like jackasses the first time the book was stolen by Otho? You think there’s any kind of privacy in the afterlife?” She grunted.

“If he’s so bad, and you watched him all the time, how did he end up as your assistant?” Adam asked.

She didn’t really seem to want to answer that. “Look? One of you will marry him or both of you will be exorcised if she doesn’t cooperate,” she said to Barbara and Adam.

“There must be another choice,” Barbara insisted. “I want to remarry Adam, then no one can say anything.”

“Oh, please,” Juno came down on her. “You weren’t married when the deal was made, no one is going to marry you two until this is settled. No one will want to cross him.”

“There’s no way, Barbara,” Adam said to her. “No way. I don’t care what it takes, I would never just let this happen.”

“Yes, yes. As soon as your wife was given to him, Adam would start causing trouble. Most likely figuring out how to get him exorcised. It wouldn’t work! He’s too smart and you are too new! You’ll just get yourself killed, again, or exorcised yourself. That’s why it isn’t recommended.”

“Well? Is there like, an amnesia thing?” Barbara asked.

“Barbara.” Adam just stared at her.

Juno groaned. “Wipe your memories? Like you don’t quite remember how you died? It’s been done, but either the memories return in 300 years, leading to the same conclusion, or depression stays built inside until an exorcism is asked for. It doesn’t end well either.” She turned her attention back to Lydia. “She is a much better bet.”

Two years. “Can I get married in the meantime?”

“No, it’ll be void. Won’t count, and you do not want to goof around. We are adding things to this betrothal for your benefit. If you don’t do it our way, it won’t turn out as well.”

“Living. In the world of the dead.”

“It’s similar to what you wanted in the first place,” Juno said, giving her a bitter reminder that she really did know everything. “Skip the line, get right to it.”

“He’s just so . . .” Adam didn’t know how to continue. “He’s no gentlemen.”

“Of course not,” Juno said to him.

“And he’s just so . . .” Barbara shuddered.

“Hey, if you can see everything, then how come you didn’t know about the proposal deal?” Lydia questioned her. Yeah, that wasn’t so foolproof.

“The Maitlands were getting exorcised. He was contained so he couldn’t do anything. You’re alive, and we don’t really deal with the living. We were focused on the Maitlands.”

“So you would have helped?” Barbara asked.

“No, but we need to keep records straight,” Juno said.

Wait. “Then, you didn’t really know if that was the exact deal?” Lydia pointed out. “He could have said anything as the deal, you had no proof!”

“No, we didn’t.” Juno took another drag on her cigarette. “But you all confirmed it quite quickly.”

“Oh, that was cheating!” Barbara accused her.

“If you had changed your story because you knew that, that would be cheating,” Juno told her.

“Ooooh!” Barbara was livid. “Adam, say something!”

“She’s living, and you admitted yourself that you don’t deal with the living,” Adam reminded Juno. “Can’t this be void?”

“Sure. If we exorcise the both of you, or marry one of you, then she’ll be fine.” She gestured her fingers, pointing toward Barbara and Adam. “The choices don’t change! Like it or not, without his presence, you both would have been exorcised. I am down here to tell you that this is the best way to handle it. A deal was struck. A deal was completed on his end. Killing a groom doesn’t prevent anything when he was already dead.”

“He is just . . . terrible,” Barbara didn’t let up. “He cusses. He’s foul. He’s perverted.”

“Again! He can’t touch her without her consent,” Juno said. “As for the cursing, I’m already taking care of that. Since he came this close to escape, we’ve decided to up his restrictions. There isn’t much more we can do, but we have placed literal magic on him. If he says something wrong, it punishes him.”

“Punishes?” Barbara asked. “How so?”

“Well? If he calls a group of ghosts a bunch of pussies, then he’ll turn into a cat. That kind of thing. Besides? Literal magic might be your only way out of this mess. Might.” She sighed. “You are going to have a tough time conning him into it, but if you can make him say something like ‘I wish I never married you’, or ‘I wish I never made that deal’, it could be removed. But, he will be watching for that. Just making him mad on purpose won’t lead to good things.”

Lydia looked toward Barbara and Adam. “I wanted more than anything to save you. If I back out?” Yeah. Even being consumed by that huge worm didn’t defeat it. “What do I do?”

“Follow me.” Juno looked toward Barbara and Adam. “You can be witnesses, or not. It’s your choice.”

“We’ll be there,” Barbara said softly. “Lydia.”

“A deal’s a deal. No matter how twisted it was,” Lydia had to agree. “I better find my father and Delia.”

———————————

“Absolutely not!” Delia was ready to throw a fit when she heard what had happened. “She’s sixteen, she can’t do anything like that.”

“Uh huh.” Juno held out a paper to Delia. “Marriage starts at 18. Sign.”

“No. I refuse, no way,” Delia shouted. “Lydia is not going to marry some weird ghost that tried to kill us!”

“Something else has to be done,” Lydia’s father said to Juno.

“I’ve been through it. I’ve been as nice as I can about it,” Juno warned both of them. “I. Have. Been. Nicer. Than most times. Stop. Pushing! Do not be this way. Yes, your daughter has to get married, boo hoo. She made the deal. Screw the deal, no Maitlands.”

Delia stomped but she didn’t know what else to say? “Charles?”

Charles just shook his head and shrugged. “What about something else? Collateral? I could pay him off somehow?”

“Not a half bad plan,” Juno agreed. “He does like money. He does know what he gets in two years though, I doubt he’d take it over full freedom. I’ll offer it, but don’t expect results.”

“How? How can a-a dead person force a living person to marry them?!” Delia went off on her again.

“Deals.”

“Just an oral agreement? Is that really all that’s needed when your dead?”

“Yep.” Juno wasn’t giving her any extra leverage. “If she doesn’t, the Maitlands pay the price. Exorcised or married.”

“I don’t even know what to say.”

“It’s marriage or it’s really painful death,” Lydia said to her parents. “Me? I vote marriage.”

“Bwah! But?” Delia could make noises, but she couldn’t really say anything else.

It was marriage, or death for the dead. “I have two years to figure out how to get out.” That was a decent amount of time. Maybe she could figure out how to use the literal magic against him, before she got old enough. “Hey? Everyone calls him a pervert, right? He’s really bad.”

“He’s really bad,” Barbara warned her.

“Well, I mean people got divorces because of that sort of thing? So, can we reign in on that leash?” Lydia looked at Juno. “Isn’t there honor still in death?”

This time, Juno was smiling. She was nodding her head. “Not bad, not bad, Kid. Restrictions include anything that would be betrayal. Kissing, hugging, and touching other women in any way. If he does, he has to ask and get written permission, even for accidents.”

Lydia grinned. Good. If this guy was that bad, they should be able to get rid of him pretty quick.

“That might be the way to get him,” Juno admitted, “but don’t count on anything. He knows the tricks, inside and out. When he wants something, he goes for it, all in. He doesn’t like to lose.”

“That’s how he gets away with everything,” Delia pointed out to her. “Because he doesn’t care if your watching, he’ll still pull the same shit.”

“Delia,” Charles said. He looked toward Juno. “We can’t just sign our daughter away that easily.”

“If you don’t, you’ll be bound and gagged to attend the wedding,” Juno said to them.

“I can get out of it,” Lydia told her parents. “Really. I’ll find his weakness, I’ll expose it, and I’ll get out.”

“See?” Juno handed them a paper. “Trust your daughter. Sign. The Maitlands aren’t going to want to separate for him.”

“You still call us the Maitlands,” Barbara said to her.

“You haunt together, you just died, it’s polite,” Juno said. “Take politeness where you can get it.”

“I hate this.” Delia started to sign it. “I hate it, I hate it, I hate it.” She gave Charles the pen. “I hate this. Sign.”

Charles took the pen, sighed, looked at Lydia again and started to sign. “I hope you’re right, Pumpkin.” He looked back to Juno. “Don’t forget the money offer.”

“I won’t.” Yet, Lydia could tell Juno was very fed up by now. Juno took the paper back. “Good.” She gestured to the Maitlands. “You two. You cause a scene this time, you know how you’ll pay for it.”

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